Listening: Are You Really as Good at It as You Think?
“Before this session, I thought I was a very good listener. Now I realise I need to slow down, be more silent and really listen to what the other person is trying to communicate.”
These words came from a participant at the end of a recent session of my Leadership Programme.
They stayed with me.
Because I wonder how many of us would say exactly the same thing.
Most of us believe we're good listeners. We listen to our colleagues, our teams, our families and our friends every day.
But are we really listening to understand, or are we simply waiting for our turn to speak?
Hearing Isn't the Same as Listening
Think about your last conversation with someone.
Were you fully present, or were you already thinking about what you wanted to say next?
Perhaps you were preparing your response, thinking of a solution, or making assumptions about what the other person was trying to tell you.
Maybe you interrupted because you felt you already knew where the conversation was going.
We do these things almost instinctively, often with the best intentions.
We want to help. We want to contribute. We want to solve the problem.
But in doing so, we can miss something important.
What the other person actually needs us to hear.
Why Listening Matters So Much in Leadership?
I've worked with many leaders who are confident communicators. They can express their ideas clearly, present persuasively and make difficult decisions.
Yet being a good communicator doesn't automatically make someone a good listener.
And this can have a significant impact on the people around them.
Imagine an employee approaching their manager with a concern.
Before they've finished explaining, the manager offers a solution.
The intention may be positive. The manager wants to help and move things forward.
But what if the employee wasn't looking for an immediate solution?
What if they needed someone to understand what was happening, acknowledge their frustration or simply give them the space to explain?
The conversation may end with a solution, but the employee walks away feeling unheard.
Now imagine that same manager responding differently.
Instead of jumping in, they pause.
They ask, "Tell me a little more about what's happening."
They listen without interrupting.
They notice the frustration behind the words and ask a question to better understand.
The conversation changes.
And so does the relationship.
Because when people feel genuinely heard, trust grows. And where there is trust, there is greater openness, collaboration and willingness to contribute.
The Difficult Part? Learning to Be Silent
One of the most interesting parts of the participant's reflection was her recognition that she needed to slow down and become more comfortable with silence.
I think this is something many of us struggle with.
Silence can feel uncomfortable.
We feel the need to fill it with a question, a comment, an opinion or some advice.
But silence doesn't necessarily mean that nothing is happening.
Sometimes it's precisely in those quiet moments that the other person is finding the words to express what they really think or feel.
And when we rush to fill that silence, we may unintentionally take that opportunity away.
Listening also requires us to manage our own reactions.
To notice when we're becoming impatient, defensive or eager to prove a point.
To remain curious rather than judgemental.
And to recognise that understanding someone's perspective doesn't mean we have to agree with it.
Sometimes the most powerful thing we can contribute to a conversation is not another opinion, but our full attention.
A Small Change That Can Make a Big Difference
Becoming a better listener doesn't require us to completely change the way we communicate overnight.
It begins with greater self-awareness.
Noticing when we're interrupting.
Recognising when we're distracted.
Catching ourselves preparing an answer before the other person has finished speaking.
And becoming more comfortable asking questions instead of immediately offering advice.
Simple questions such as:
"Can you tell me a little more?"
"What has been most difficult about this for you?"
"Have I understood you correctly?"
These small changes can make an enormous difference to the quality of our conversations.
And not only at work.
Think about how different our relationships might become if we gave the people closest to us the same level of attention and curiosity.
So, How Good a Listener Are You Really?
What I particularly appreciated about that participant's reflection wasn't simply that she had learnt something new about listening.
It was that she had recognised something about herself.
She entered the session believing she was already a very good listener and left with a different perspective.
That is what self-awareness can do.
It helps us recognise habits and behaviours that we may have carried for years without questioning them.
And once we recognise them, we have a choice about what we do differently.
So here's a question I'd like to leave you with.
The next time someone is speaking to you, notice what's happening inside you.
Are you listening with curiosity?
Are you allowing them to finish?
Are you trying to understand their perspective, even when it's different from yours?
Or are you already preparing what you're going to say?
Perhaps the most important question isn't whether you consider yourself a good listener.
It's whether the people around you feel genuinely heard.
Listening is one of the important skills we explore in my Leadership Development Programmes, alongside emotional intelligence, self-awareness, feedback and navigating difficult conversations.
Because effective leadership begins with understanding ourselves and the impact we have on others.
If you'd like to explore how my Leadership Group Programmes or 1:1 Coaching can support your professional development, I'd be delighted to have a conversation.
If you'd like a free consultation, click the link and book a 20 minute call.
Warmly,
Johanna
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